Seven Eazy Mealz in Minutes!

Because when you spell it with a “Z”, it soundz fazter! (Or German. Or Spanish if you opt to pluralize a word that ends in “e”. Like “Minutez”. Which is not recommended because it’s too confuzing then.)

If you, like I, find no comfort in those 30 minute meals hawked so incessantly by that coked up TV girl, if you can’t be bothered to dial the telephone and order a pizza, if you haven’t the creativity or problem-solving skills that God awarded to even most houseplants, or if you’re just paralyzed by clinical depression and cannot bear to haul yourself out of bed for more than five minutes or, God forbid, face other people, then these are the conveniently numbered tips for you! How can you be sure these tips are for you? The exclamation points! That’s how!

1. Take a pre-packaged hot dog and place it in boiling water until heated through. Remove from water and place in a bun. Voila!

2. Break up several lettuce leaves or the greens of your choice into bite sized pieces. If desired, combine with other vegetables, such as chopped or sliced cucumbers, broccoli, tomato, or mushrooms. Top with salad dressing. A salad!

3. Spread mayonnaise on one side of two slices of bread. Stack atop the mayonnaise covered side of one slice of bread two or three pieces of pre-sliced deli meat and the deli cheese of your choosing, cover with the remaining bread, mayonnaise side down so that no mayonnaise is expose on the exterior. Pair with a bag of Chee-tos. A nice lunch!

4. In a skillet, melt a little butter. Break two eggs into a bowl and stir vigorously with a fork or any convenient utensil. Pour eggs into hot skillet and stir them while heating until they cook through. Remove eggs to a plate and add salt to taste. Delicious!

5. Using either an electric or manual can opener, open a can of tuna. Draining optional. Mmmmmmm!

6. Place two slices of bread in a toaster. Press down toasting mechanism and retrieve bread slices when they pop up. Top each slice with mounds of peanut butter. Smooth or crunchy, your choice. San Frantastic!

7. Open a microwavable container of beef-a-roni. Heat it up. Don’t heat it up. What do I care? Eat, damn you!